I think that many oldsters who have put our AA "booze cure" to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA — the development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.
I've recently come to believe that this can be achieved. I used to think that emotional sobriety for me meant the slow elimination of my various phobias and compulsive drives. But now I think the answer lies in the practice of — of all things — that ancient AA advice, "First Things First."
"Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence — almost absolute dependence — on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression."
I had not been able to accept the fact that I was not God, that I couldn't run the whole show. My demands upon people and upon life were very great. And when I was thwarted, I swung between elation and deep depression.
Reinforced by what Grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.
Then slowly, I found that where I had been demanding God supply me with prestige and security, I was now trying to give those away to others. Suddenly the feeling of a "quiet place in bright sunshine" was mine. And I now know that I don't have to have the approval of people or the security of things to be serene. What an enormous difference!
"If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love."
Yet this work kept me sober. It wasn't a question of those alcoholics giving me anything. My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.
Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. Of course I haven't offered you a really new idea — only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own "hexes" at depth. Nowadays my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine.
Key Themes
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Unhealthy Dependency Is the Root
Every disturbance — great or small — has at its root an unhealthy dependency and its consequent demand. When people or circumstances don't deliver what we demand, depression or anger follow automatically.
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Emotional Sobriety Is Not Emotional Absence
Bill is not describing numbness or detachment. He is describing freedom from being driven by emotional demands — the ability to feel without being controlled by feelings.
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Giving, Not Getting
The turning point came when Bill stopped demanding that others give him prestige and security and started trying to give those things away. Stability came from trying to give, not from demanding to receive.
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Continual Surrender
Just as Step One required surrender over alcohol, emotional sobriety requires a continual surrender of demands — over people, outcomes, prestige, and security. It is an ongoing practice, not a one-time event.
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A Quiet Place in Bright Sunshine
Bill's description of what emotional sobriety feels like — the brain no longer racing between elation and depression. A stable, serene inner state that does not depend on external conditions.
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The Next Frontier
Written with over 20 years of sobriety, Bill saw emotional sobriety as the natural next step beyond physical sobriety — the deeper work of recovery that most long-timers still haven't fully addressed.